Stop trying to have sex in an Uber. Please. I’m begging you.
This is not clickbait. This is a plea.
I have been an Uber driver for more than five years. A few weeks ago, I picked up my 10,000th rider. I started Ubering in the early days of the gig economy era with the primary goal of paying off ALL of my remaining debt faster than I was with just my full-time job.
So what you’re about to read comes from a place of experience, struggle and disheartenment, but done so without apology:
Really. Stop trying to have sex in your Uber. Please. I’m begging you.
I don’t know how it has fallen to the Uber drivers (well, maybe just this one) to be the auditors of social contracts. But if an amendment needs to be made, and I believe it does, then I propose the following: Don’t hire someone to drive you home if you plan on making him or her feel as uncomfortable as possible.
When I started driving for Uber in 2014, common sense wasn’t the obvious tool that it is almost any given moment. Strangers driving strangers around town, while done for decades in the taxi industry, seem so much more bizarre in today’s digital on-demand culture. We’re too connected now. Too close.
So when a couple wants to start feeling each other up for sexual satisfaction just inches away from and behind me while I’m driving them home, I feel “too close” is a terrifying understatement.
Seriously, stop trying to have sex in your Uber. Please. I’m begging you.
I live and work in Atlanta, where I was also born and raised. I’m not friends with other Uber and/or Lyft drivers (some drivers work for both). I don’t post or share horror stories on Facebook groups made up of other Uber and/or Lyft drivers. But when I talk to riders who aren’t out to have sex in my car during the trip, they tell me about other drivers they’ve had experience with in town or elsewhere.
The most common theme about how they describe other drivers is just what I expect and hope to hear: They’re putting in the work to make a better life for themselves. And make no mistake — driving for Uber is work that only gets harder with the passage of time.
Driving the same amount of hours on average per week as a part-time driver since 2014, I’ve seen earnings drop between 40% to 50% since the end of my first year as a driver, when I could make as much as $115 on a single surge trip or as much as $200 within 6 hours. Today, it takes me the better part of 12 hours, even with short, back-to-back trips with little no break in-between hails. That means Uber drivers are all working twice as hard as they needed to at the start of this service.
Just something to consider the next time you want to give your boyfriend a blow job or go down on your girlfriend during your next Uber ride. And if the driver has any respect for him- or herself, they’ll brake on a dime and enjoy both of you smacking your faces into the back of a seat or to the floor.
Dammit, stop trying to have sex in your Uber. Please. I’m begging you.
My last argument in this plea is to consider the following: What if I wasn’t an Uber driver, much less a person, who didn’t have respect for myself? What if I was someone who enjoyed what was happening? What if I had bad intentions, enough to make a bad situation worse for all parties involved?
There have been more than 100 cases of sexual assault and abuse committed by Uber drivers. The company’s biggest flaw in its operation is that it takes almost anyone on as a driver, providing them little to no training (my “training” was watching a short video and taking a multiple choice quiz afterward). Even with a criminal background check, it’s not enough to thoroughly vet people who are to become on-demand “private drivers.”
I’ve often told friends that being drunk is NO excuse for being an asshole. It’s also NO excuse for being careless or reckless with your own life or that of others. It’s NOT an excuse for trying to engage in sex just because you want it.
The average trip I drive on a Friday or Saturday night takes approximately 10 minutes to complete. Isn’t that enough time to keep yourself aware of your surroundings? Of your route? Of your driver?
I don’t know how much longer I’ll drive for Uber. I hoped to be done with paying off my debt this year, but it may take at least one more to do it. I drive an average of 25 hours per week for Uber, and that’s on top of a full-time communications job … a job that should have been enough to make a good living.
But what I know for certain is this: Too many riders have little to no respect for simply because I’m an Uber driver. I’m more than that, and it’s because I have dignity and self-respect. Perhaps that’s a reminder Uber should add to its app.
So do me a favor … for me and every Uber driver you hire in the future. Help us help you by being the most basic thing you can be: a decent human. At least until the ride is over. After that, you’re free to do whatever you want, wherever you want.
Seriously, hump each other like rabbits. Just don’t do it in someone else’s car while they’re working for you.
My name is David Brandt. I’m a former journalist. I’m an Uber driver. I am a cancer survivor. I practice Essentialism, Minimalism and Stoicism. I don’t tweet anymore, but to verify that I’m a real person, find me on Instagram.
